Hummingbirds by Barb Greenberg

Finally! My book was on its way to be printed. Physically exhausted, I stepped away from my desk with a deep sigh. Who knew that sitting in front of a computer screen for hours and worrying that I was making the right decisions would be so tiring. I was also mentally exhausted, certain my brain had short circuited and any moment smoke would be coming out of my ears.

       Drained, I didn’t know what to do with myself after spending so much time every day writing and decided that I was not interested cleaning the house but quite interested in going to the grocery store. What better way to comfort myself than with muffins and apple pie?

        As for my emotions, I felt sad, relieved, scared. What if someone actually reads my book? What if no one reads my book? What if I should have put a comma in that sentence and now my book will be ruined for sure!

        The chatter in my head wasn’t helping. Not able to turn it off, I went for a walk. Passing by the bushes in someone’s front yard, I saw three or four hummingbirds playing. There might have been five. It’s hard to count when they move so quickly! Their magic was not lost on me. I began to feel lighter and then remembered that a year ago, in almost this same spot, a single hummingbird had stopped to hover about two feet away from my face. What a gift. We stayed looking directly at each other for what seemed like a very long time until another walker came by talking on her phone and scared it away.

        What was this dear magical bird trying to tell me, teach me? I imagine it was the same thing that today’s playful birds were reminding me of. I’d been so consumed with deadlines and editing and punctuation and paragraphing that I had forgotten I was writing, because I loved to write. It brought me joy. 

        Ah, joy. How did I lose sight of it so easily. Did  the daily “stuff” wear me down? Moving forward, how can keep sight of joy as it flits through my days? I’ve had painful times in my life when joy was so far away, I was certain it had disappeared and never imagined it was hovering nearby, waiting for me to feel its light and love and promise of healing.

        Now here it was again on this sunny morning making me smile. Even when I can’t remember joy, it remembers me.